I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I think a kid would responsible me up
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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