sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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