I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Sorry my hands just texted you
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
