I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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