is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
