Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
