Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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