Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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