Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
