I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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