I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
