yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
