I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
