omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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