I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
