ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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