I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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