I just gift wrapped bread.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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