Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
