the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
this hospital has no fireball
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
