Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
