it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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