I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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