I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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