I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
