Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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