I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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