he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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