Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
