It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
