trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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