I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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