I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
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