This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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