you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
