Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
