why im i the only drunk person in the library?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I believe in your delicious
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
