why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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