I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
