hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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