First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
