Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
