My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
