My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
