If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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