Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I want to have your abortion
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
