i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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