You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
