I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Randomize
