This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
