Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
